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  “ ‘This way! this way!’ cried several voices.

  “I ordered the driver to proceed.

  “ ‘In the name of Heaven, where have you been loitering?’ somebody said to me. ‘The bride has fainted away; the priest does not know what to do, and we were just getting ready to go back. Get out as quickly as you can.’

  “I got out of the sledge without saying a word, and went into the church, which was feebly lit up by two or three tapers. A young girl was sitting on a bench in a dark corner of the church; another girl was rubbing her temples.

  “ ‘Thank God!’ said the latter, ‘you have come at last. You have almost killed the young lady.’

  “The old priest advanced toward me, and said: ‘Do you wish me to begin?’

  “ ‘Begin, begin, Father,’ I replied absently.

  “The young girl was raised up. She seemed to me not at all bad-looking…. Impelled by an incomprehensible, unpardonable levity, I placed myself by her side in front of the pulpit; the priest hurried on; three men and a maid supported the bride and only occupied themselves with her. We were married.

  “ ‘Kiss each other!’ said the witnesses to us.

  “My wife turned her pale face toward me. I was about to kiss her, when she exclaimed: ‘Oh, it is not he! It is not he!’ and fell in a swoon.

  “The witnesses gazed at me in alarm. I turned around and left the church without the least hindrance, flung myself into the kibitka and cried: ‘Drive off!’ ”

  “My God!” exclaimed Marya Gavrilovna. “And do you not know what became of your poor wife?”

  “I do not know,” replied Burmin; “neither do I know the name of the village where I was married, nor the post-station where I set out from. At that time I attached so little importance to my wicked prank, that on leaving the church, I fell asleep, and did not awake till the next morning after reaching the third station. The servant, who was then with me, died during the campaign, so that I have no hope of ever discovering the woman upon whom I played such a cruel joke, and who is now so cruelly avenged.”

  “My God, my God!” cried Marya Gavrilovna, seizing him by the hand. “Then it was you! And you do not recognize me?”

  Burmin blenched—and threw himself at her feet.

  The Undertaker

  Are coffins not beheld each day,

  The gray hairs of an aging world?

  DERZHAVIN

  The last of the effects of the undertaker, Adrian Prokhorov, were piled upon the hearse, and a couple of sorry-looking jades dragged themselves along for the fourth time from Basmannaya to Nikitskaya, whither the undertaker was removing with all his household. After locking up the shop, he posted upon the door a placard announcing that the house was for sale or rent, and then made his way on foot to his new abode. On approaching the little yellow house, which had so long captivated his imagination, and which at last he had bought for a considerable sum, the old undertaker was astonished to find that his heart did not rejoice. When he crossed the unfamiliar threshold and found his new home in the greatest confusion, he sighed for his old hovel, where for eighteen years the strictest order had prevailed. He began to scold his two daughters and the servants for their slowness, and then set to work to help them himself. Order was soon established; the ikon case, the cupboard with the crockery, the table, the sofa, and the bed occupied the corners reserved for them in the back room; in the kitchen and parlor were placed the master’s wares—coffins of all colors and of all sizes, together with cupboards containing mourning hats, cloaks and torches.

  Over the gate was placed a sign representing a plump Cupid with an inverted torch in his hand and bearing this inscription: “Plain and colored coffins sold and upholstered here; coffins also let out on hire, and old ones repaired.”

  The girls retired to their bedroom; Adrian made a tour of inspection of his quarters, and then sat down by the window and ordered the samovar to be prepared.

  The enlightened reader knows that Shakespeare and Walter Scott have both represented their grave-diggers as merry and facetious individuals, in order that the contrast might more forcibly strike our imagination. Out of respect for the truth, we cannot follow their example, and we are compelled to confess that the disposition of our undertaker was in perfect harmony with his gloomy métier. Adrian Prokhorov was usually sullen and pensive. He rarely opened his mouth, except to scold his daughters when he found them standing idle and gazing out of the window at the passers-by, or to ask for his wares an exorbitant price from those who had the misfortune—or sometimes the pleasure—of needing them. And so Adrian, sitting near the window and drinking his seventh cup of tea, was immersed as usual in melancholy reflections. He thought of the pouring rain which, just a week before, had commenced to beat down during the funeral of the retired brigadier. Many of the cloaks had shrunk in consequence of the downpour, and many of the hats had been put quite out of shape. He foresaw unavoidable expenses, for his old stock of funeral apparel was in a pitiable condition. He hoped to compensate himself for his losses by the burial of old Trukhina, the merchant’s wife, who for more than a year had been upon the point of death. But Trukhina lay dying in Razgulyay, and Prokhorov was afraid that her heirs, in spite of their promise, would not take the trouble to send so far for him, but would make arrangements with the nearest undertaker.

  These reflections were suddenly interrupted by three masonic knocks at the door.

  “Who is there?” asked the undertaker.

  The door opened, and a man, who at first glance could be recognized as a German artisan, entered the room, and with a jovial air advanced toward the undertaker.

  “Pardon me, good neighbor,” said he in that Russian dialect which to this day we cannot hear without a smile, “pardon me for disturbing you…. I wished to make your acquaintance as soon as possible. I am a shoemaker, my name is Gottlieb Schultz, and I live across the street, in that little house just facing your windows. Tomorrow I am going to celebrate my silver wedding, and I have come to invite you and your daughters to dine with us.”

  The invitation was cordially accepted. The undertaker asked the shoemaker to seat himself and take a cup of tea, and thanks to the open-hearted disposition of Gottlieb Schultz, they were soon engaged in friendly conversation.

  “How is business with you?” asked Adrian.

  “So so,” replied Schultz; “I can’t complain. But my wares are not like yours: the living can do without shoes, but the dead cannot do without coffins.”

  “Very true,” observed Adrian; “but if a living person hasn’t anything to buy shoes with, he goes barefoot, and holds his peace, if you please; but a dead beggar gets his coffin for nothing.”

  In this manner the conversation was carried on between them for some time; at last the shoemaker rose and took leave of the undertaker, renewing his invitation.

  The next day, exactly at twelve o’clock, the undertaker and his daughters issued from the wicket door of their newly purchased residence, and went to their neighbor’s. I will not stop to describe the Russian caftan of Adrian Prokhorov, or the European toilettes of Akulina and Darya, deviating in this respect from the custom of modern novelists. But I do not think it superfluous to observe that the two girls had on the yellow hats and red shoes, which they were accustomed to don on solemn occasions only.

  The shoemaker’s little dwelling was filled with guests, consisting chiefly of German artisans with their wives and apprentices. Of the Russian officials there was present but one, Yurko the Finn, a constable, who, in spite of his humble calling, was the special object of the host’s attention. Like Pogorelsky’s postman,* for twenty-five years he had faithfully discharged his duties. The conflagration of 1812, which destroyed the ancient capital, destroyed also his little yellow booth. But immediately after the expulsion of the enemy, a new one appeared in its place, painted gray and with little white Doric columns, and Yurko again began to pace to and fro before it, with his ax and armor of coarse cloth. He was known to the greater part of the Germans
who lived near the Nikitskaya Gate, and some of them had even spent Sunday night beneath his roof.

  Adrian immediately made himself acquainted with him, as with a man whom, sooner or later, he might have need of, and when the guests took their places at the table, they sat down beside each other. Herr Schultz and his wife, and their daughter Lotchen, a young girl of seventeen, did the honors of the table and helped the cook to serve. The beer flowed in streams; Yurko ate like four, and Adrian in no way yielded to him; his daughters, however, stood upon their dignity. The conversation, which was carried on in German, gradually grew more and more noisy. Suddenly the host requested a moment’s attention, and uncorking a sealed bottle, he said loudly in Russian: “To the health of my good Louise!”

  The imitation champagne foamed. The host tenderly kissed the fresh face of his partner, and the guests drank noisily to the health of the good Louise.

  “To the health of my amiable guests!” exclaimed the host, uncorking a second bottle; and the guests thanked him by draining their glasses once more.

  Then followed a succession of toasts. The health of each individual guest was drunk; they drank to Moscow and to a round dozen of little German towns; they drank to the health of all guilds in general and of each in particular; they drank to the health of the masters and apprentices. Adrian drank with assiduity, and became so jovial that he proposed a facetious toast himself. Suddenly one of the guests, a fat baker, raised his glass and exclaimed: “To the health of those for whom we work, our customers!”

  This proposal, like all the others, was joyously and unanimously received. The guests began to salute each other; the tailor bowed to the shoemaker, the shoemaker to the tailor, the baker to both, the whole company to the baker, and so on. In the midst of these mutual congratulations, Yurko exclaimed, turning to his neighbor: “Come, little father! Drink to the health of your corpses!”

  Everybody laughed, but the undertaker considered himself insulted, and frowned. Nobody noticed it, the guests continued to drink, and the bells had already rung for vespers when they rose from the table.

  The guests dispersed at a late hour, the greater part of them in a very merry mood. The fat baker and the bookbinder, whose face seemed as if bound in red morocco, linked their arms in those of Yurko and conducted him back to his booth, thus observing the proverb: “One good turn deserves another.”

  The undertaker returned home drunk and angry.

  “Why is it,” he argued aloud, “why is it that my trade is not as honest as any other? Is an undertaker brother to the hangman? Why did those heathens laugh? Is an undertaker a buffoon? I wanted to invite them to my new house and give them a feast, but now I’ll do nothing of the kind. Instead of inviting them, I will invite those for whom I work: the orthodox dead.”

  “What is the matter, Master?” said the servant, who was engaged at that moment in taking off his boots. “Why do you talk such nonsense? Make the sign of the cross! Invite the dead to your new house! What nonsense!”

  “Yes, by God! I will invite them,” continued Adrian. “And that, too, for tomorrow!… Do me the favor, my benefactors, to come and feast with me tomorrow evening; I will regale you with what God has sent me.”

  With these words the undertaker turned into bed and soon began to snore.

  It was still dark when Adrian was roused out of his sleep. Trukhina, the merchant’s wife, had died during the course of that very night, and a special messenger was sent off on horseback by her clerk to carry the news to Adrian. The undertaker gave him ten kopecks to buy brandy with, dressed himself as hastily as possible, took a droshky and set out for Razgulyay. At the gate of the house in which the deceased lay, the police had already taken their stand, and the tradespeople were busily moving back and forth, like ravens that smell a dead body. The deceased lay upon a table, yellow as wax, but not yet disfigured by decomposition. Around her stood her relatives, neighbors, and domestic servants. All the windows were open; tapers were burning; and the priests were reading the prayers for the dead. Adrian went up to the nephew of Trukhina, a young shopman in a fashionable jacket, and informed him that the coffin, wax candles, pall, and the other funeral accessories would be immediately delivered in good order. The heir thanked him in an absentminded manner, saying that he would not bargain about the price, but would rely upon his acting in everything according to his conscience. The undertaker, in accordance with his custom, swore that he would not charge him too much, exchanged significant glances with the clerk, and then departed to commence operations.

  The whole day was spent in passing to and fro between Razgulyay and the Nikitskaya Gate. Toward evening everything was finished, and he returned home on foot, after having dismissed his driver. It was a moonlight night. The undertaker reached the Nikitskaya Gate in safety. Near the Church of the Ascension he was hailed by our acquaintance Yurko, who, recognizing the undertaker, wished him good night. It was late. The undertaker was just approaching his house, when suddenly he fancied he saw someone approach his gate, open the wicket, and disappear within.

  “What does that mean?” thought Adrian. “Who can be wanting me again? Can it be a thief come to rob me? Or have my foolish girls got lovers coming after them? It means no good, I fear!”

  And the undertaker thought of calling his friend Yurko to his assistance. But at that moment, another person approached the wicket and was about to enter, but seeing the master of the house hastening toward him, he stopped and took off his three-cornered hat. His face seemed familiar to Adrian, but in his hurry he was not able to examine it closely.

  “You are favoring me with a visit,” said Adrian, out of breath. “Walk in, I beg of you.”

  “Don’t stand on ceremony, sir,” replied the other, in a hollow voice; “you go first, and show your guests the way.”

  Adrian had no time to spend upon ceremony. The wicket was open; he ascended the steps followed by the other. Adrian thought he could hear people walking about in his rooms.

  “What the devil does all this mean!” he thought to himself, and he hastened to enter. But the sight that met his eyes caused his legs to give way beneath him.

  The room was full of corpses. The moon, shining through the windows, lit up their yellow and blue faces, sunken mouths, dim, half-closed eyes, and protruding noses. Adrian, with horror, recognized in them people that he himself had buried, and in the guest who had entered with him, the brigadier who had been buried during the pouring rain. They all, ladies and gentlemen, surrounded the undertaker, with bowings and salutations, except one poor man lately buried gratis, who, conscious and ashamed of his rags, did not venture to approach, but meekly kept to a corner. All the others were decently dressed: the female corpses in caps and ribbons, the officials in uniforms, but with their beards unshaven, the tradesmen in their holiday caftans.

  “You see, Prokhorov,” said the brigadier in the name of all the honorable company, “we have all risen in response to your invitation. Only those have stopped at home who were unable to come, who have crumbled to pieces and have nothing left but fleshless bones. But even of these there was one who hadn’t the patience to remain behind—so much did he want to come and see you….”

  At this moment a little skeleton pushed his way through the crowd and approached Adrian. His skull smiled affably at the undertaker. Shreds of green and red cloth and rotten linen hung on him here and there as on a pole, and the bones of his feet rattled inside his big jackboots, like pestles in mortars.

  “You do not recognize me, Prokhorov,” said the skeleton. “Don’t you remember the retired sergeant of the Guard, Pyotr Petrovich Kurilkin, the same to whom, in the year 1799, you sold your first coffin, and a deal one at that, instead of oak as agreed?”

  With these words the corpse stretched out his bony arms toward him; but Adrian, collecting all his strength, shrieked and pushed him away. Pyotr Petrovich staggered, fell and crumbled to pieces. Among the corpses arose a murmur of indignation; all stood up for the honor of their companion, and they overwhel
med Adrian with such threats and curses, that the poor host, deafened by their shrieks and almost crushed to death, lost his presence of mind, fell upon the bones of the retired sergeant of the Guard, and swooned away.

  For some time the sun had been shining upon the bed on which the undertaker lay. At last he opened his eyes and saw before him the servant attending to the samovar. With horror, Adrian recalled all the incidents of the previous day. Trukhina, the brigadier, and the sergeant Kurilkin rose vaguely before his imagination. He waited in silence for the servant to open the conversation and inform him of the events of the night.

  “How you have slept, Adrian Prokhorovich!” said Aksinya, handing him his dressing gown. “Your neighbor, the tailor, has been here, and the constable also called to inform you that today is his name-day; but you were so sound asleep, that we did not wish to wake you.”

  “Did anyone come for me from the late Trukhina?”

  “The late? Is she dead, then?”

  “What a fool you are! Didn’t you yourself help me yesterday to prepare the things for her funeral?”

  “Have you taken leave of your senses, Master, or have you not yet recovered from the effects of yesterday’s drinking bout? What funeral was there yesterday? You spent the whole day feasting at the German’s, and then came home drunk and threw yourself upon the bed, and have slept till this hour, when the bells have already rung for Mass.”

  “Really!” said the undertaker, greatly relieved.